That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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