I checked into jail on foursquare
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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