five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
