you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize