Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
