I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
