if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
