i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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