i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize