i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
