my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
