he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
