so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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