I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
