I wanna bring you to show and tell
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
