JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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