if you like me you must not know who I am
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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