My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
