I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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