if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
