sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
