Your face is a jimmy john
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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