you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
