My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
