I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I think my moral compass just broke
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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