Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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