Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my vag is so smooth its legendary
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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