Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
