shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
