I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
