First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
