My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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