I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Randomize
