So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
