So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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