worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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