This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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