i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
