Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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