what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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