he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
