Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
