dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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