Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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