we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
