i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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