How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
