I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize