the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
