her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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