Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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