my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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