She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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