I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
