Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
