nut hugger
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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