There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
