the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
