i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Randomize