I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
