remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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