I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
