There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
