Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
