you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
