I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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