chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
