Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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