the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
