During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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