your thong is hanging out like whoa
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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