Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
