you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
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